nada y pues nada y nada y pues nada

backlikeawave @ 2010-03-13T20:39:00

2010-03-14T01:39:08Z

I feel more comfortable with myself than I have in a very, long time - if ever. I'm nesting and listening to Spiritualized. Things have felt very natural lately, as if they are finally where they should be. It feels as if all of my past attempts of being this or that - or forcing round pegs in square holes have subsided and I am now simply free. To be.

backlikeawave @ 2010-02-13T17:43:00

2010-02-13T22:43:56Z

I really want to start taking pictures with film cameras again. I miss it. There's something there in film that digital lacks. Soul perhaps. I'd also love to get my hands into some clay again. And, as ever, I'd love to organize my thoughts.

oh you sentimental heart

2010-02-13T00:48:46Z

i think i like it most when people make me feel like a real person. real. human. like i can be human.
i've had a few of these people in my life. i think one of their driving characteristics is a keen sense of intuition. and i love them. i love every minute with them.
but my time with them, my favorites, it never lasts long enough.
maybe that's part of why it's the best.

on le start of the new semester.

2010-01-14T22:01:45Z

I see a light, it may be a train, but it's a light nonetheless.
I'm still alone.
I'm leaving this city later this year.
It feels like I just got here. And I really just did - since the 16th will be my 1 year anniversary of moving to Lexington.
I like it here. But it's not where I am going to be forever. I get that sense in my bones.
I'm looking east next. East or Chicago.

The only thing I somewhat dread is starting fresh again. It's both exciting and a pain. But, I already have experience.. so it won't be too horrible.

The semester officially started yesterday and I have no motivation for it. This is awesome. I think it's because I'm looking ahead to the next phase of my life ... but I have to look ahead. All I see around me are graduates of my program who are still looking for jobs - amazingly smart and talented people who have graduated 7, 8 months ago or longer.

Most are staying local which limits their search, but it's still disheartening..

Graduate school is a beast. Staying positive (or trying to) is all one really can do. Else, you fall through the cracks.
Time goes way too fucking fast.

Movie Binge.

2010-01-14T20:29:43Z

I've gone on a movie-watching binge since coming down with an awful cold a week ago. Here's a list of the ones I remember, including some I saw before I was stricken. My favorites are starred.

Coco Chanel (made-for-tv-movie)*
Up in the Air (theatres)
Food, INC (documentary)*
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Walk the Line*
Lost in Austen (4-part tv mini-series, watched all at once)
The Beauty Academy of Kabul (documentary)
Step Brothers
Wuthering Heights (Masterpiece Theatre)*
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Helvetica (documentary)*

Keep in mind that all of these, aside from the first three, were watched from Monday-now. I've been watching so many movies that I don't even know who I am anymore. I so rarely watch movies. And now that classes have started, I doubt I will again for a long while. Except for the rare documentary maybe.

backlikeawave @ 2009-12-31T22:55:00

2010-01-01T03:55:08Z

2009 was a pretty good year.

backlikeawave @ 2009-12-30T11:11:00

2009-12-30T16:11:48Z

wish i could have saved tim buckley, jeff buckley, nick drake, elliott smith.. such beautiful music, lives cut way too short.

backlikeawave @ 2009-12-26T14:13:00

2009-12-26T19:13:21Z

wish i were back in lexington.
cincinnati is such a drag.

backlikeawave @ 2009-11-16T03:40:00

2009-11-16T08:40:24Z

I'm so sick of being up at 3, 4, 5am. There is absolutely nothing to do. And I really miss sleeping, in general.

backlikeawave @ 2009-11-10T01:49:00

2009-11-10T06:49:50Z

I realized earlier tonight that I've lost 20 pounds since moving here in midJanuary. It really should be more, but really, I aint going to argue with it.

backlikeawave @ 2009-11-05T17:19:00

2009-11-05T22:20:10Z

As of right now I am 365 days, 16 hours, 18 minutes and 34 seconds smoke free.

4388 cigarettes not smoked.

$876.00 and 1 month, 3 days, 12 hours of my life saved.

My quit date: 11/5/2008 1:00:00 AM

(Stats courtesy of quitnet.com).

re: 12 september 2004 (see a few entries back)

2009-11-02T05:53:05Z

i've worn the skirt (and dresses and pants)
and changed my excuse time after time
it makes no difference whether
the length is short or as long as
the period of time which has passed
since i was last kissed.
really kissed.

their bones are no longer as sharp
as i once saw them, pointed
across that kitchen.
little plastic spoons hung in a row
clattering and shattering in the breeze
will stop sometimes and show me
a piece of the memories.

the boxes are packed tight
and spilling over into 5 years
of the present, miles away from there
but forever present.
polaroids constantly developing,
shape-shifting into things that were
once so clear but now
trains fading further and further
into the horizon

we are all strangers kissing
strangers
kissing
memories.

backlikeawave @ 2009-11-01T20:22:00

2009-11-02T01:22:53Z

these dark nights of winter are taking over. please, give me a sign of something good.

backlikeawave @ 2009-11-01T00:25:00

2009-11-01T04:28:54Z

It always surprises me how easily likenesses, visual or textual or other, can take me back. And not necessarily to one thing in particular, but just to the strangest most random things. Ahhh. The past forever refuses to stay in the past.

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween.

i just need your star for a day

2009-09-27T06:06:49Z

started working on my memory project again. this project is a beast and will probably take forever.
if i actually commit to it and finish it, that is. of course, this is only a fraction of all i will eventually have to do. but this bit is the most important, i think.

once this is finished i can cull the good stuff, maybe write some more .. and have something good. polished. these are all my hopes. nothing is (ever) definite.

everything seems so scattered really. i think that is why i have been putting it off for so long, and in the meantime more has been piled on and things become even more scattered. and i forget. and then remember, hence why it's the memory project.

it's kind of hard on many levels, but necessary. these are the layers, and i am unraveling them.

anyway, it's way past my bedtime now. car alarms kept me up way late last night, i had a dinner party tonight, and work tomorrow. lots of coursework to catch up on this week and i'll have a houseguest half this week. must clean up the place at some point. oh, but a (new!) down blanket is calling to me. adieu.

backlikeawave @ 2009-09-23T17:12:00

2009-09-23T21:22:47Z

Just now when I was walking home from doing my laundry, a bicyclist partially ran into me. She turned back and gave me the dirtiest look. It was technically partially my fault: she was coming the other way, but I kept on walking instead of moving to the side like she assumed I would. I told her "there's a bike lane!" and plodded my way home. I don't know if she heard me, but I hope she did.

I have nothing against bicyclists. If it hadn't been for my muscle strain last month, I'd be one now. But, Lexington does provide bike lanes and there was one where we were. Lexington drivers, although notoriously bad drivers, are very courteous to bicyclists.

Regardless, I hadn't the slightest intention of moving to the side with three bags in one arm, a bag on my back, and my other arm pulling a bag behind me - especially not for some lady illegally riding her bike down the sidewalk. That dirty look was most uncalled for.

I'm tired of bending my breath to everyone's whims.

I tell you, don't ever try living an honest life. You will end up spending all of your days alone, your nights alone and in tears, broke, in physical pain most every day, getting dirty looks from people for walking down the sidewalk just trying to do your damn laundry.

Yes, quite soon, but not nearly enough.

2009-09-20T03:54:28Z

The skirt was more of an excuse
More of a “do I even know you?”
So short and tiny, a paragraph maybe
Containing idiosyncrasies of what he likes
Short and tiny

Those bones were so plastic/sharp/-
I swear I’d seen them before
Perhaps they lined a shop window
In some scene of a soap opera
She had memorized

Some kiss like strangers
And some kiss in the dark
And some kiss like memories
Transparencies in a smokescreen

Some skirts are shorter than others
Some excuses more transparent
But in and out of these memories,
I can’t change the length of the excuse
When I’m not wearing the skirt

Some skirts are shorter than others
Breathless excuses more transparent
In and out of my memory box,
I can’t change the length of the excuse
When I never, ever, wore the skirt

12 september 2004

blast from the past - stream of consciousness.

2009-09-19T05:08:10Z

Kept in a jar I can’t write I can’t write kept in a jar firelight birds are chirping over the hills and predators like dinosaurs in flight, dinosaurs in flight flying over the hills and Ireland irish people going everywhere cobblestone streets and beggars. Merchants flowing through the streets and so innocent are the children with their heads held high, oblivious to the lives they will lead as they get older. Transcending the masses are the beggars, but really how transcendent are they? More like invisible to the common man who doesn’t want to admit that there are poor people out there because they are more of an eyesore, just like abandoned buildings which are so beautiful where you really think about it. In over-the-rhine they have all these buildings that have great architecture and ditches where people sleep and people with guns, people with drugs, cops and dogs and people, people dying on the streets and people dying in countries and people dying because no one loves them and people dying inside, people who are lonely, people floating through this world without anyone people floating by through our world, and it is our world because it belongs to all of us and people floating and swimming and swimming pools with bottomless pits and bottomless pits of fiery infernos of hell hell is a place where hell hell hell hell hello hello hello goodbye goodbye goodbye I’m so sick of goodbyes because that’s all I get is goodbyes and never helloes, this is so lonesome really and oh so taxing I should have gone to bed.

from 2004.

backlikeawave @ 2009-09-10T03:11:00

2009-09-10T07:11:26Z

We were wilting long before we kept track of time. It was a seductively slow process, one that had claimed many victims before us and would no doubt claim many after. The state of [decay] could only be seen from a distance, when one turned his head and looked. Breathe in, breathe out. Out of the corner of your eye you will catch the slight distinction between the air around you and the air that was once in your lungs, and then your eyes will focus again on another object – say, the stranger who just sat down next to you – and then that distinction between the air is gone forever. The moments of wilting are like that. They are only seen in hindsight; slight, brief, easy to miss, and once missed, they are gone forever.

Somewhere along the way, the wilting turned inward. There grew a concave indentation inside your chest, somewhere near where your heart should be. With each breath you took, your chest collapsed in on itself with the magnitude of an anchor at the bottom of the deepest, darkest ocean. There was no way for any light to penetrate to the bottom. You eventually wilted so far in that you finally folded and collapsed in on yourself. There now is no way for anyone to get in – or anyone to get out.

The time has passed. The pocket watch has been opened and now all it can do is tick tick tick the minutes and wait.

backlikeawave @ 2009-09-10T00:49:00

2009-09-10T04:49:57Z

I can't do it anymore.

backlikeawave @ 2009-08-25T20:57:00

2009-08-26T01:18:08Z

I've had this feeling for the past few days that the decisions I've been making and the things I've been doing are irrevocably wrong and could end up negatively affecting my life in ways I can't yet comprehend. In this same time period, there has been a shift in my thinking from the immediate to the universal. As a result, I haven't really wanted to do anything at all.

Not sure how to resolve this issue, but I miss my old chipper self.

backlikeawave @ 2009-08-17T15:10:00

2009-08-17T19:11:15Z

Does anyone know how to convert a pdf file into a word document on a Mac?

backlikeawave @ 2009-08-16T18:33:00

2009-08-16T22:34:15Z

Sometimes I feel I should be doing something more important, more substantial, with my life.

backlikeawave @ 2009-08-12T12:34:00

2009-08-12T16:38:17Z

Who turns 24? I mean really. Lame.

catch-22

2009-08-01T05:14:58Z

I awoke from my sleep last night and was about to press "power" on my remote until I realized that the loud noise I heard was only the rain.